Have
you ever fallen from God, walked away from his love, or put something
before God. Once you realized the pain of being separated from God did
you want to go back but didn't know how? Well this is my journey from
utter despair back to God. Well I have been there. I plan blogging my
journey from despair, to grace and further. This is not a one size fits
all, this is what I am learning as I build up my relationship with
God....
I
never realized how far I had drifted until I was talking to my pastor.
It was during that conversation that I couldn't even say that I was a
christian. The anger had been lit, both in him because of my apathy and
lack of listening skills to even hear what he was saying, and in me. Why
was I angry
How
could this be? I was a leader in the church. People look up to me. Had I
really lost everything? Had I really started to believe the lie that I
was invincible, causing me to neglect my own spiritual health. Had I
played a game comparing myself to those who had done worse and figured I
was okay if they were?
I
was the girl who loved listening to worship music, but lately I didn't
even want to listen to anything Christian, be it music, preaching, or
even just an encouraging word about what God was doing for someone else.
I wasn't even happy for my friends whose lives were falling together so
nicely.
It
was after the anger wore off that I started to think about that
evening. It was that evening that I woke up. I didn't want this life
anymore. I wanted to feel God around me again. I wanted to remember his
grace, but where would I start? It would take another 5 days before
anything would happen. It all started with forgiveness. I asked, no I
begged God to forgive me of my sins. Many of which would surprise anyone
who knew me. One that not only put me in a spiritual prison but that
kept me chained up with hatred. Forgiveness from God is free, we only
have to ask and except it. That was an amazing day. All I could think of
was how much God loves me. Much like Hosea loved Gomer, and bought her
back with a price. I too was bought with a price.
That
is where my journey began. Remembering grace is free and allowing God
to surround me in his love. In the song "How he Loves" sang by the David
Crowder Band. The lyrics are so very true, when you allow God's grace
to cover you and his love to surround you all of your guilt and shame
disappear and who you were doesn't matter any more. Who God is and how
much he loves you (me) are all that mattered.
